Pysgodyn!

Graduate Train of Thought

Wowie, how busy I've continues to be after thinking I'd be pretty unbusy after graduating last month. I ranted about it a while ago but I had a lot of annoyance with finding a new house last minute, finding a job, just getting situated in the house and the weird hollow feeling you get after finishing a university course and not really having any direction in your life anymore.

I set myself these milestones for the year:

Fully unpack and turn my new house into a home.
~~Find a job/jobs, just any way to make ends meet.~~ (Kinda?)
~~Progress in my art career/education.~~
Begin to sort out my mental health issues seriously

I've crossed out the ones I've been successful in already in just a month and I'm pretty proud of myself. I feel like I did the hardest ones first. Its kinda cool having a schedule that I'm sticking to full of stuff I tried hard to get into. I have an illustration internship I attend twice a week and then I go to my job twice a week. Then 3 days of "rest" which is time I spend mostly unpacking, selling stuff so I have more money, working on my more technical art skills. More on the art thing later. I'll address the unfinished stuff in my list first.

I've been taking a long time unpacking because, of course, I'm a pretty busy person with my job and my internship but also because I opted for a really small room in my new house because I want to live more minimally. I've always cared about the enviroment and I'd say most of the world do but I really want to actually do the minimal I should and try to live as sustainably as possibly. I feel like I'm spiritually poisoning myself, not just the Earth, everytime I buy a piece of plastic to put on my shelf.

Obviously just throwing stuff away helps no one so I've been taking my time trying to sell a lot of stuff (because I also really need the money!) and that's a lot more time consuming than just throwing stuff away. I'm also bagging stuff to just give away to charity. But back to the point, this has been making unpacking take a lot longer than if I were to just put all my junk around my room, binning what I don't want anymore. I don't think I'll feel completely home in my room until I've 'Konmaried' my whole inventory. (Another side track, I know a lot of people say the Konmari method doesn't work for them because pretty much everything they own sparks joy for them but I truely don't give a fuck about anything I own except a few things that fulfil me artistically or functionally.)

With mental health stuff, I don't really know why I did this but I ghosted my first therapy consultation thing. I didn't really know what to say? And I know you're meant to sit down and think of stuff to say before hand but I couldn't really organise my thoughts. This also was all happening when I was dealing with possibly not having a house anymore so it was kind of the least of my worries to deal with stupid stuff. I guess this is something I'll try to delve into again though. I can't be bothered with reaching out to my GP or a charity again though so I don't know. Maybe I'll read a self help book. I've been trying to use Monroe Institute techniques and meditations to deal with my fears and emotional charges but it's not something I've fully commited to yet so I don't have any results to report on.

My main issues are my empathy and being able to open up I think. I kind of just hate being around people lately unless I'm drinking. I've always kind of hated being around people unless were talking about something that interests me which I know makes me sound like a DICKHEAD. Not that I derail conversations. I usually just sit there until I get too bored then just leave. But like, maybe that's just normal and my personality is like that? I don't know the boundaries of personality and just being fucked up. I'm very easily getting annoyed at people lately too raughh but I also think it's often deserved. I feel like I need to live in a mountain. I'm kind of scared I'm a narcissist but that doesn't really make sense because I'm not sure how commonly people are self aware about that. Also scared I'm delusional but that's mostly unrelated. Again, doesn't make sense either because I'm self aware of it. I see posts on other sites pages occasionally clowning on people for posting about their mental health on Neocities but I genuinely don't give a fuck.

I want to talk a bit more about my job: I can't tell if I find it fulfilling or if I actually just don't need fulfilment from it. I just decided both are true but the second statement if more important. I wont say too much about my job but It's standing in the middle of a street holding a sign for hours. I think I need to just take a Zen appreciation in how mundane it is, maybe even be glad I can have hours a day to just be present outside watching everyones different lives happening around me in slow motion while I just watch. I don't know why I randomly beat myself up about it while I'm working because it's not even like this is what I'll be doing for the rest of my life. And does the labour I partake in reflect on how important I was to the world? Not that I 'need' to be important. Easier to say it than live by it. Its definitely super drilled into us all our lives that you are what your career is and it's the most important thing you can offer to the world. Also this job gives me a lot of time to listen to music and audiobooks! I do get heckled a lot but I also get to talk to people a lot, even if its just for a second.

I'll talk about the 'art thing' I mentioned paragraphs ago now. I feel like my degree didn't really teach me a lot of technical art skills, gesture studies, perspective studies, anatomy studies, etc. First year had a few workshops on colour theory and we did gesture drawing maybe twice but that was kind of it. In my internship, I've realised that I show a lot of intuitive understanding in technical art skills, especially anatomy and gesture, but I'm not very well educated on it really. I've been doing daily gesture drawing studies and I recommend it so much! Try out Line of Action seriously. Maybe a little Youtube video about gesture drawing would help you out with your technique too.

Well, I really need to update a lot of stuff on this site like my dream journal and art pages. In due time, cuz this took a long time to type up. If you read all of this then damn, that's crazy, you know more about my recent affairs than my friends do. I'll try to keep this updated more but I get drained very easily lately.

Also, LISTEN TO THIS