What Am I Meant To Be Doing?
Man, I feel like I'm in such a weird point of my life right now. I kinda feel like I've hit a wall and I don't know how to get past it or if I ever will. I'm not really happy with my productivity as an artist right now, I need to start putting myself out there more. I'm hoping to submit to be a part of a zine next year but I haven't even started it yet. I'm getting so annoyed seeing people I went to uni with getting recognition and doing cool projects while I'm not really doing anything, I feel like I deserve recognition. I think my new year's resolutions are going to be: 1. Work on more art projects, 2. Get therapy, 3. Quit smoking. I think that is the order of importance. Other stuff I want to do, I wanna get better at drawing and I want to continue studying German, watch more films, listen to more albums, get a better job. But I will prioritise the first three things I said.
I'm becoming excruciatingly self aware of my mental health again lately and I'm struggling to keep it in. I don't really know what to do. I don't feel like I can do anything about it until 2026. I briefly mentioned it to my boyfriend last month but it's really scary. I've never been one to talk about my feelings to anyone because I know it doesn't happen in a vaccume and I think I'm a bad person; I don't want to talk about how I'm a bad person. Everyone would hate me if I were an honest person. I've been trying to do some creative writing about it but it all kinda sucks right now, I'm not very good at writing.
I'm finding it kinda funny to think back at my old blog posts from when I first made this website, they're so positive. It was because I just started HRT so it felt like the world was my oyster. This is going to sound very cringe and deutschabooish but I saw one of those stupid graphics the other day of untranslatable words and one of them was the German word 'Weltschmerz' and I related to it a lot. I find myself slowly getting pessimistic lately which isn't like me at all. I'm the biggest optimist usually but I just can't imagine the future of the world going the way I want it to, at least in my lifetime. I don't really know what to do about that but I'll keep fighting. I'm waiting for when Reform are voted in in the UK and the rest of the working class who supported them are going to realise that they've fucked themselves over again. I try to stay positive thinking that in dark times like this, it can only drive to radicalise people and I need to be there to steer them towards the right path. That makes me sound self important but I mean me and all the other leftists in the world.
Feels like no one else around me cares about anything though. Say you care about the enviroment while you eat meat, buy plastic junk, can't even sign a petition, email an MP, go to a protest. I don't know, that's just an example. Everyone's ready to say theyre a leftist but don't actually do anything.
I don't know if it's a point of me probably being a narcissist that I think I have moral superiority to most people but I just find it hard to excuse.
