Thoughts and Reflection
I've come back and edited this for a 3rd time. I was going a little crazy last night, haha. A mutual of mine posted some stuff online yesterday that triggered a bit of a crazy episode in me. I decided to leave it up because I've bottled up my emotions all my life and maybe I just need to normalise making some of my thoughts public. I just allowed myself to slightly overshare in the comments of one of my Tumblr posts. I guess I'll share that here.
"The lolcow thing really freaks me out. I think even more though im afraid of what people i know in real life would think if i posted everything i wanted to post. I like the idea of being super authentic online but i guess im too afraid. That feels funny to admit because i know for a fact i post a lot more weird stuff online than anyone else i know closely in real life. Its not even that im fake at all i just really hide that stuff.
I just cant do venting, it really embarrasses me. Ive never vented about mental health stuff to anyone in real life like at all. Maybe if i turn something into a joke once in a blue moon or if its about something really insignificant and thatll only be to my boyfriend. Ive just been raised to completely repress my emotions and im not really sure what made me like that? Im definitely oversharing right now
Ive done really really weird stuff online ive never told anyone about as a mentally ill teenager, im definitely a lot better at hiding it. Now i just feel like i like to larp as a normal person irl so i can pretend everythings actually fine. I mean everyone knows im super weird but nothings 'wrong' with me...
Last night i caught myself posting paragraphs and paragraphs of insane rambling on my website and im very glad i panicked and deleted it all before i fell asleep"
This was the original rant, this only reflects me in a weird mental state:
I swear to god, so many people annoy me. I've definitely talked about this in another blog before but I feel like so many people live every single day on autopilot. I haven't really organised my thoughts on this, just kind of a stream of consciousness.
I keep having so many moments were it feels like people aren't even thinking about the fact that they're having a conversation with me and are just talking while someone listens. It genuinely makes my stomach hurt I get so angry. I hate when people talk at me for ages about something I don't even care about and I stand there listening, replying and they just keep going without my input even effecting the conversation. I don't even know why I partake in it. And when I say 'something I don't care about' I'm not even talking about people infodumping, talking about stuff they care about. I can't stand being explained some terminally online garbage that no one even thinks in real life because you're honestly wasting my time and it never turns into an interesting conversation.
Meh, I hope any of that makes sense in the way I mean it to. I feel like so many conversations I have with people are so shallow. And even when I talk about something that isn't surface level it sometimes feels like the person I'm talking to is just parroting me or something they just read somewhere. I get scared that I come off this was to some cool people I've met online because I'm so awful at replying. That's something I really hate myself for.
I find so many people boring. Maybe they find me boring. And I find so many people selfish like they can't possibly look at anything from someone elses perspective but maybe I'm like that and can't even see it.
Whoever's reading this, you're probably cool though.
And this is what I added in on the second edit:
Coming back to this. My minds kind of racing right now and I hate when I get like this because then I want to post online my thoughts and I look fucking insane. Here is safe though because I pretend no one is reading because I bet no one is reading. I've been writing so much in my notes app on my phone. I'm so insufferable and I am not as self aware as I think. That's scary to think. I wonder how I make myself realise that though when I get really annoying.
I feel like I have a fear of people percieving me wrong and instead of deeping why I think that I just go "everyone sucks because they won't take the time to understand me so deeply". I don't know. And I get so anxious because then I'm like trying to prove myself so hard and I just always do it wrong. Wrong to me. And I just spiral and hate myself. It's a ton of shit that doesn't matter, who cares if people don't see me the way I want to be seen. And then it's even worse because the way I want to be seen is so annoying and greater than thou. I bet everyone is just like me. Someone trapped in their lazy worthless brain and body. I don't know if they agonise over it like I do so often. I just spend so much time hating how bad I am at making great stuff, showing the great stuff I can do. I rarely post stuff like this because I hate talking about my feelings, I hate people seeing how dumb my mind is but I just feel like I'm going crazy because I don't ever talk about this so it's jsut rolling around in my mind. I don't know what this is or if anyone else feels like this and I feel like I'm a bad person. Why do I need to be validated? I hate it, it's so weak and embarassing.
This is so cringe, I'll probably delete tomorrow. Should I even be like this online? It's so embarassing but I don't have anyone to talk to.
