My Month
My my, what a month.
Last Thursday, I finally had mt top surgery consultation and I'll be having top surgery this time next year probably. I'm a little nervous something will go wrong, you can read my rant about that here but, TLDR: It's a hard clinic to get into and I'm afraid me seeking mental health support is gonna get me rejected from the clinic. I think that's so fucked but are we surprised the world works like that? Anyway, this disuaded me from going to my GP for support so I refered myself to an LGBT support group to see if that have any advice for me or will offer me therapy. I don't feel too hopeful about the second half because my struggles aren't actually anything to do with being LGBT at its root but I'm sure they'll have advice. I'm honestly wuite nervous that me even refering myself there is gonna screw everything up but whatever. I realised I was being irrational about this when I started getting paranoid that I was going to be arrested and kicked out of university because I told a support group that I struggle with my empathy.
I had my job interview today, I think I kinda messed up a lot and keep thinking about things I would've done better but it's too late now. I was so nervous, I hardly looked at my notes but they did come in handy every now and then. I just always sound so damn awkward when I have to sell myself and it annoys me because I don't even doubt my ability. I'm gonna be so bummed if I don't get this so hopefully I do. I had to do the interview on my bathroom floor upstairs because I have no signal in my room haha. I just wish I could sound more confident, I struggle with that so hard.
I worked on my LinkedIn account a bunch today. It's honestly pretty fun to compile all your skills and experience and stuff into one thing. Made me feel a little better about myself and my abilities. I need to start applying for some art gigs soon, I feel ready. I also worked a little on my professional site, it's fine so far. I guess today's been a lot of trying to get back into the productive working mindset but I still feel pretty lazy and just wanna work on personal art.
I've been wanting to work on my personal art a lot more lately and move away from fanart a little. Nothing against fanart but I wanna make some original stuff without feeling cringe. I'll be honest, most of my original art still draws from my hyperfixations though. I know many artists are the same. I kind of want to make more sections on my art directory but I'm scared of that being annoying somehow? It kinda feels like I'm comitting to have to update new sections constantly when really there's nothing wrong with just putting something there then that's that.
I went to the record shop the other day and the guy sold me a broken cassette. It was To Our Children's Children's Children by The Moody Blues. It was only £1 at least but I wanted to listen to it. One of my favourite Moody Blues songs is on that album, Candle of Life. I sadly had to cut the tape because it got jammed in my player. I also got a new Faith No More CD with an interview on it and a Moody Blues record.
I've been wondering for a long time if the amount of alcohol I drink a month is normal. I've been struggling a little for the past couple months, maybe a year now, with my drinking habits. I just can't go a week without drinking. I'm nit into drinking alone though, it's always me and my boyfriend. I also just can't stop when I've started. I'm not really sure how I stop it but if I am an alcoholic, I'm a functioning one at least.
